Deep Thoughts about Life and Death

Many people who deserve to die don't have the guts to kill themselves.

Others who deserve to live are dead.

Nonsense

I've been having really bizarre moods lately. This is why druggies don't just quit cold turkey... they get all messed up. Except, I want to mess myself up, right? None of it makes any sense. Sometimes I think I stopped making sense a long time ago, even though I am one of the most logical people I know. A name from the past appeared this week, and let me tell you, it was just so strange. It was so great to hear from him again, it's been about 14 years, and the time we spent together is something that I seem to have completely forgotten. But I think it was the last time I was truly happy. Because after that was when all the crap started. Maybe if we hadn't moved, things would have turned out differently, better perhaps? It's a moot point; life is what it is and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Anyway, so this guy friends me on Facebook, and he remembers me, and of course I remember him, he was probably my best friend back then... gawd we were so young. I really wish I remember more about that time, remember how I felt back then... I do remember a few events, good times and not-so-happy times, but even those not-so-happy times are completely trivial compared to everything that happened after. God, I miss those days... I swear that back then, I wasn't messed up, just spoiled. My god, I'd so much rather be spoiled shitless than whatever I am today, not knowing whether to laugh or cry or scream or just curl up into a ball and hide away from it all .

Wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.

To be or not to be

This post isn't about Casey. It's about me.

I've always been wary about writing personal stuff online. And even now, I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate to bring reality into this blog. Because, as Casey Serin knows all too well, the Internet remembers. Well, Google remembers, but these days, they're practically the same thing. And because everything is remembered, some enterprising graduate from the Benoit™ School of Internet Sleuthing might be able to follow the bread crumbs back to their source. And if I ever became rich or famous or something, those bread crumbs would be a tremendous liability.

But I don't know where I can turn to, who I can talk to. And I need to let this out, I need to be heard. Maybe one day, someone, somehow, will understand.

I know that it must seem really strange that I have this need to be so open online, where everyone everywhere can see it, but I liken it to blending into a large crowd. There, you're just one of the masses. You're anonymous. No cares about who you are, what you are, why you are. You're surrounded by people, and yet, you are completely alone. I love that about as much as I hate it.

I can't stand being here. I'm going through the motions, and I knew that was all I would be doing, but damn it, I thought I could delude myself for a longer period of time! Maybe I just know myself too well now. Which sucks. Ignorance is bliss, after all. But that's not the point. The point is that waking up every morning is a disappointment. If there was a scale, and unhappiness was a 1, and misery was a 10, I think I'd be somewhere around 23.

I can't go on like this. I've only been able to maintain a few shreds of sanity by losing myself in stories, searching for hope elsewhere, but they sort of just make everything worse, because they're not real.

Anyway. This is a really stupid post. Things are either going to get better, or they're going to get worse, and I supposedly have some say in all of this. I should just do what I want. Except what I want is for it all just to end. I'm so tired. All I want is to let go.

Here's an old poem:

Star's End - 01/22/02

I wonder about being a star,
Blaze of splendor twinkling afar,
Glittering cool in the night air,
Radiant beauty oh so fair.

But stars have got their limits too,
Their fiery glare will burn right through,
Leaving voids, deep and dark,
Scattered emptiness, no more spark.

They'll smolder seethingly, far too hot,
And either shrivel into a spot
Or flare outwards, grow immense
And burst because they were too intense.

Bursting a bubble causes an explosion,
Not so different from a star's implosion.
Needless to say, it matters not much,
Stars live, stars die, all such and such.

But for awhile they'll glimmer true,
Tears against a backdrop of darkened hue.
Stars do mirror, so I reflect,
Mortality on Earth, I do expect.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

It's coming...

Jon McLaughlin: "Beautiful Disaster"

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
She just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

Casey Warz

I'm beginning to think that this whole Casey saga really could be a movie. Multiple movies. Here's how it would look:

Casey Warz:

Episode I: The Haterz Menace
- Casey launches IAFF.
- He gets a lot of media attention.
- People flock to his site.
- He declares that he will "pay back every dirty penny".
- People give him advice.
- He ignores the advice.
- He whines incessantly about his situation.
- He refuses to even consider other means of income, believing in his "magical" ability to attract "sweet deals".
- Most people start to criticize his behavior.
- Some (read: Nigel) continue to place their faith in Casey.
- Casey starts calling his critics "haterz".
- Thus, the haterz are born.

Episode II: Attack of the Kiyosaki-clones
- The No Limits Ladies show up on the scene, ostensibly to help Casey.
- Casey is awed by Kiyosaki.
- Everyone tells him to quit being such a monkey, but Casey dismisses them as haterz.
- Casey rejects East Coast Mentor in favor of the No Limit Leeches.
- Then he has contract-signer's remorse.
- But it's too late, and the NLL turn ugly (uglier?)
- This garners Casey some sympathy... but then they find out his shady past as an email scammer wasn't so "past" after all.
- Casey doesn't help by continuing to spend money like it's going out of style.
- None of that money is his own money.
- He continues looking for "sweet deals".
- He makes promises, then turns around and promptly breaks them.
- He does this over and over and over and over and...
- More haterz are born.
- Duane swoops in to save Casey from NLL.
- The haterz warn Duane about affiliating with Casey.
- Duane doesn't believe them.
- Casey continues to live the life of Riley.
- Duane realizes his mistake and leaves.
- Casey blows even more money (that is not his).
- He realizes he needs more money.
- He brings in CashCall.
- He talks about investing in more real-estate.
- He ignores his foreclosures. (Oh right, this was supposed to be about foreclosures.)
- The number of Haterz increases exponentially.
- CashCall calls.
- Casey panics.
- The Haterz pause and save his dancing monkey ass.
- Casey takes their money, then laughs at them.
- He immediately blows more money on a penny stock.
- The Haterz multiply.

*note: timelines of eps III and IV overlap.

Episode III: Revenge of Former Supporterz
- Casey continues his antics.
- His marriage starts to visibly unravel.
- Nigel distances himself from Casey.
- The foreclosures continue.
- Casey continues looking for "gold nuggets".
- The media begins to turn on him, beginning with Declan's story.
- Casey reaches for a casino deal.
- LossMitPro shows up on the scene.
- Casey manages to P.O. Duane.
- Duane becomes a Haterz.
- Duane goes over to Exurban Nation and spills ALL.
- Casey's brother Steve calls into a fraudcast and lambasts Casey.
- LossMitPro appears to be making headway.
==>start of Episode IV
- LossMitPro loses his temper.
- LossMitPro becomes a Haterz.
- Hello, kangaroos!
- Nigel becomes a Haterz.
- Former advertiser(s?) become(s) Haterz.
- Galina is an honorary Haterz.

Episode IV: A New Leaf? Hah!
- Casey shuts down the blog.
- He keeps updating the "farewell" page.
- Then he just brings the entire blog back.
- He blames this on his publisher.
- His publisher? Yes, the publisher of his book. The Foreclosure Code.
- Then he runs off to Australia.
- He needed a break.
- A long break.
- With sweet media.
- And no return flight home.

Episode V: The Haterz Strike Back
- LossMitPro files a lawsuit against Casey.
- Casey, a homeless guy with a laptop in Australia, panics.
- LossMitPro announces a court date in Sacramento.
- Casey doesn't have a ticket.
- Casey manages to procure a ticket.
- A ticket to Seattle.
- Casey enjoys his 4th of July fireworks less than .25 mile from CHJTS.
- Casey slowly makes his way back home.
- Except his keys no longer work.
- Casey actually makes his court appearance.
- Turns out the FBI is gunning for Casey.
- Casey panics.
- LossMitPro offers to settle.
- Casey throws his publisher under the bus to save his own sorry hide.
- LossMitPro will end up with the blog contents.
- Duane will end up with IAFF.
- Galina will end up with some of her debt paid off.
- Casey agrees.
- But Marty the publisher is not pleased.

*current events/future:
Episode VI: Return of the Murse? Oh wait, it never went away.
- Casey rethinks the settlement.
- Casey is still Casey.

Birthday Song

My birthday is coming up this weekend. I feel that the following song describes my sentiments exactly.

---

Title: Mad World
Artist: Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world