Riches and relatives

(I was originally going to turn this into some sort of "why me?" melodramatic monologue, but I've found something much more worthy of discussion.)

I came across an AskMetafilter thread (My mother-in-law thinks we're cheap!) that I found quite fascinating, not least because of my own family background. Both my parents grew up in extreme poverty but managed to make something of themselves... a whole lot of "something", actually, as they were able to single-handedly bring their own parents and many, many siblings out of the slums. By the time I was born, we were all living rather comfortably. My parents never forgot their roots and so I grew up hearing stories about their pauvre childhood; as a child, I was determined to achieve and accomplish at least as much as them, and it wasn't until quite recently that I realized just how difficult they had it (read: I will never be able to do what they did... and my feelings on that matter are an entire other blog post).

Anyway. It just so happens that in the past few years, my mother has begun to feel rather unappreciated by her mother (and family). Yes, the same people for whom she sacrificed so much, the same people she'd spent her life finding ways to provide for them. Now, my grandmother isn't quite as horrible as the MiL in the thread, but she has come to expect certain, er, amounts of money from my mother at multiple times during the year. The key word is "expect". My mom is ridiculously generous when it comes to family and friends, she will deny herself things that she won't hesitate to give others. (and yes, I find that ridiculous, and yes, I do the same thing, so I probably shouldn't talk, but whatever.) So it makes my mom very upset when her mother (and other family members) literally dismisses her gift, deeming it unsatisfactory.

To bring this back to the AskMetafilter thread, I found myself in sympathy with the OP. How do you deal with relatives who think (accurately or not) that you are rich and that they are deserving?

I was pretty appalled by some of the responses. Show the MiL their budget? That would only work if the MiL understood finances, and she obviously doesn't understand anything about budgeting if she expects a $300 coat. Cut off relations with the MiL? Hullo people, this isn't just family we're talking about, it's a mother-daughter relationship, you don't just end it like scraping a wad of used gum off the bottom of your shoe. Give the MiL an allowance? Give her what she wants? Both these replies indicate that the OP is required to provide for the MiL, but unless that's a new stipulation in the contract between parent-child, it is utter crap. Take control of MiL's finances? Good idea, but it doesn't solve the original problem.

So what is the original problem? A lot of posters tried to explain her behavior (some tried to excuse it as acceptable, but quite really now, no, it's not acceptable, even if you don't point it out to her). I'm sure some of those posters hit the bulls-eye on why she felt the way she did, but quite frankly, who cares? The crux of the issue is that she expects you to do something, and you can't do it. The mother-daughter relationship makes it one of those "parent giving unreasonable demands to child" things. Seriously, that's all there is to it. This whole thing being about money just makes it a quantifiable issue as opposed to a psychological mindfuck issue.

So how do you "fix" the problem? How to deal? Obviously, either you change the parent, or you change the child. That is, either the parent has to stop demanding, or the child has to stop feeling like it is her responsibility to provide. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

When I consoled my mom, I pretty much told her the same thing. "You can't change her, not directly. Nor can you expect her to change, I mean, hello, she's old!" (and no, that probably didn't make her feel any better) "No, don't give her what she wants. You know in your heart of hearts that you've done all that you can, and anything additional that you do is because you want to, not because you have to, and you know it." (maybe that helped a bit, I don't know) "Don't confront her, it's not worth the aggravation." (read: get a third party ie. me to do the subtle stuff) "Be content with what you have done, which is an awful lot, and above and beyond any call of duty... because in her heart of hearts, she knows this too."

Did my grandmother eventually see the light? 8-ball says: Ask again later. I'd like to think that my grandmother kinda knows what's up, but I get the feeling that my mom's no longer the focus of her attentions, I am. Yeah, my grandmother thinks I'm rich... and yeah, I think I am too, so what? I also absolutely refuse to spend any money that I don't think is absolutely necessary... and no, I don't think food is a necessity. Or if it is, McD's has that dollar menu, I'm young, I can handle that kinda crap for another decade or so. My grandmother sees that, and then she sees me tripping all over myself to take her shopping and paying for her at restaurants and looking all over the place for the best gifts for my cousins (not quite regardless of cost, but when you know that I try not to spend more than $8.50 on myself if I go out to dinner by my lonesome... if I actual deem dinner to be necessary, which is about once every two days... you get the idea) then maybe, hopefully, she knows how much I care. (I probably help drive the point home when I moan and groan over every gift and how that's the only reason I'm keeping this job... which just happens to be the truth, but they don't need to know that.)

Untitled fragment

Written 12/10, late at night:

A whirlwind's in my head screaming discord,
With unhappy notes jangling awkwardly for...
Peace? This space is currently occupied
By shards of exploding HopesWishesAgony galore.

Denial is composed from heartfelt dismissal
Deeming the death of diminishing despair.
Her surrogate sneers, wintry and wizened,
Acidly birthing bleak misery unaware.

---

I had hoped to finish it 12/11, but my thoughts happened to center on a particular event many years back that evoked more anger than any other emotion. Perhaps I should write a poem about my feelings on that. If I do, it shall be rather cold. Brutal. Unforgiving. Hm, that does sound quite promising.

Deep Thoughts about Life and Death

Many people who deserve to die don't have the guts to kill themselves.

Others who deserve to live are dead.

Nonsense

I've been having really bizarre moods lately. This is why druggies don't just quit cold turkey... they get all messed up. Except, I want to mess myself up, right? None of it makes any sense. Sometimes I think I stopped making sense a long time ago, even though I am one of the most logical people I know. A name from the past appeared this week, and let me tell you, it was just so strange. It was so great to hear from him again, it's been about 14 years, and the time we spent together is something that I seem to have completely forgotten. But I think it was the last time I was truly happy. Because after that was when all the crap started. Maybe if we hadn't moved, things would have turned out differently, better perhaps? It's a moot point; life is what it is and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Anyway, so this guy friends me on Facebook, and he remembers me, and of course I remember him, he was probably my best friend back then... gawd we were so young. I really wish I remember more about that time, remember how I felt back then... I do remember a few events, good times and not-so-happy times, but even those not-so-happy times are completely trivial compared to everything that happened after. God, I miss those days... I swear that back then, I wasn't messed up, just spoiled. My god, I'd so much rather be spoiled shitless than whatever I am today, not knowing whether to laugh or cry or scream or just curl up into a ball and hide away from it all .

Wish I may, wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight.

To be or not to be

This post isn't about Casey. It's about me.

I've always been wary about writing personal stuff online. And even now, I'm not entirely sure it's appropriate to bring reality into this blog. Because, as Casey Serin knows all too well, the Internet remembers. Well, Google remembers, but these days, they're practically the same thing. And because everything is remembered, some enterprising graduate from the Benoit™ School of Internet Sleuthing might be able to follow the bread crumbs back to their source. And if I ever became rich or famous or something, those bread crumbs would be a tremendous liability.

But I don't know where I can turn to, who I can talk to. And I need to let this out, I need to be heard. Maybe one day, someone, somehow, will understand.

I know that it must seem really strange that I have this need to be so open online, where everyone everywhere can see it, but I liken it to blending into a large crowd. There, you're just one of the masses. You're anonymous. No cares about who you are, what you are, why you are. You're surrounded by people, and yet, you are completely alone. I love that about as much as I hate it.

I can't stand being here. I'm going through the motions, and I knew that was all I would be doing, but damn it, I thought I could delude myself for a longer period of time! Maybe I just know myself too well now. Which sucks. Ignorance is bliss, after all. But that's not the point. The point is that waking up every morning is a disappointment. If there was a scale, and unhappiness was a 1, and misery was a 10, I think I'd be somewhere around 23.

I can't go on like this. I've only been able to maintain a few shreds of sanity by losing myself in stories, searching for hope elsewhere, but they sort of just make everything worse, because they're not real.

Anyway. This is a really stupid post. Things are either going to get better, or they're going to get worse, and I supposedly have some say in all of this. I should just do what I want. Except what I want is for it all just to end. I'm so tired. All I want is to let go.

Here's an old poem:

Star's End - 01/22/02

I wonder about being a star,
Blaze of splendor twinkling afar,
Glittering cool in the night air,
Radiant beauty oh so fair.

But stars have got their limits too,
Their fiery glare will burn right through,
Leaving voids, deep and dark,
Scattered emptiness, no more spark.

They'll smolder seethingly, far too hot,
And either shrivel into a spot
Or flare outwards, grow immense
And burst because they were too intense.

Bursting a bubble causes an explosion,
Not so different from a star's implosion.
Needless to say, it matters not much,
Stars live, stars die, all such and such.

But for awhile they'll glimmer true,
Tears against a backdrop of darkened hue.
Stars do mirror, so I reflect,
Mortality on Earth, I do expect.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

It's coming...

Jon McLaughlin: "Beautiful Disaster"

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
She just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

Casey Warz

I'm beginning to think that this whole Casey saga really could be a movie. Multiple movies. Here's how it would look:

Casey Warz:

Episode I: The Haterz Menace
- Casey launches IAFF.
- He gets a lot of media attention.
- People flock to his site.
- He declares that he will "pay back every dirty penny".
- People give him advice.
- He ignores the advice.
- He whines incessantly about his situation.
- He refuses to even consider other means of income, believing in his "magical" ability to attract "sweet deals".
- Most people start to criticize his behavior.
- Some (read: Nigel) continue to place their faith in Casey.
- Casey starts calling his critics "haterz".
- Thus, the haterz are born.

Episode II: Attack of the Kiyosaki-clones
- The No Limits Ladies show up on the scene, ostensibly to help Casey.
- Casey is awed by Kiyosaki.
- Everyone tells him to quit being such a monkey, but Casey dismisses them as haterz.
- Casey rejects East Coast Mentor in favor of the No Limit Leeches.
- Then he has contract-signer's remorse.
- But it's too late, and the NLL turn ugly (uglier?)
- This garners Casey some sympathy... but then they find out his shady past as an email scammer wasn't so "past" after all.
- Casey doesn't help by continuing to spend money like it's going out of style.
- None of that money is his own money.
- He continues looking for "sweet deals".
- He makes promises, then turns around and promptly breaks them.
- He does this over and over and over and over and...
- More haterz are born.
- Duane swoops in to save Casey from NLL.
- The haterz warn Duane about affiliating with Casey.
- Duane doesn't believe them.
- Casey continues to live the life of Riley.
- Duane realizes his mistake and leaves.
- Casey blows even more money (that is not his).
- He realizes he needs more money.
- He brings in CashCall.
- He talks about investing in more real-estate.
- He ignores his foreclosures. (Oh right, this was supposed to be about foreclosures.)
- The number of Haterz increases exponentially.
- CashCall calls.
- Casey panics.
- The Haterz pause and save his dancing monkey ass.
- Casey takes their money, then laughs at them.
- He immediately blows more money on a penny stock.
- The Haterz multiply.

*note: timelines of eps III and IV overlap.

Episode III: Revenge of Former Supporterz
- Casey continues his antics.
- His marriage starts to visibly unravel.
- Nigel distances himself from Casey.
- The foreclosures continue.
- Casey continues looking for "gold nuggets".
- The media begins to turn on him, beginning with Declan's story.
- Casey reaches for a casino deal.
- LossMitPro shows up on the scene.
- Casey manages to P.O. Duane.
- Duane becomes a Haterz.
- Duane goes over to Exurban Nation and spills ALL.
- Casey's brother Steve calls into a fraudcast and lambasts Casey.
- LossMitPro appears to be making headway.
==>start of Episode IV
- LossMitPro loses his temper.
- LossMitPro becomes a Haterz.
- Hello, kangaroos!
- Nigel becomes a Haterz.
- Former advertiser(s?) become(s) Haterz.
- Galina is an honorary Haterz.

Episode IV: A New Leaf? Hah!
- Casey shuts down the blog.
- He keeps updating the "farewell" page.
- Then he just brings the entire blog back.
- He blames this on his publisher.
- His publisher? Yes, the publisher of his book. The Foreclosure Code.
- Then he runs off to Australia.
- He needed a break.
- A long break.
- With sweet media.
- And no return flight home.

Episode V: The Haterz Strike Back
- LossMitPro files a lawsuit against Casey.
- Casey, a homeless guy with a laptop in Australia, panics.
- LossMitPro announces a court date in Sacramento.
- Casey doesn't have a ticket.
- Casey manages to procure a ticket.
- A ticket to Seattle.
- Casey enjoys his 4th of July fireworks less than .25 mile from CHJTS.
- Casey slowly makes his way back home.
- Except his keys no longer work.
- Casey actually makes his court appearance.
- Turns out the FBI is gunning for Casey.
- Casey panics.
- LossMitPro offers to settle.
- Casey throws his publisher under the bus to save his own sorry hide.
- LossMitPro will end up with the blog contents.
- Duane will end up with IAFF.
- Galina will end up with some of her debt paid off.
- Casey agrees.
- But Marty the publisher is not pleased.

*current events/future:
Episode VI: Return of the Murse? Oh wait, it never went away.
- Casey rethinks the settlement.
- Casey is still Casey.

Birthday Song

My birthday is coming up this weekend. I feel that the following song describes my sentiments exactly.

---

Title: Mad World
Artist: Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

In memory of Mandy

I just took my hamster to be euthanized. I'm a pretty morbid person, and so one of the questions I always ask myself is whether or not I would condemn someone to death if it was the right thing to do. I guess now I have my answer. Clearly, I didn't want to do it, but once the facts were laid out, it was very obvious that this was the right thing to do. One of Mandy's eyes had ruptured, she had a tumor that was growing, she was completely inactive... if anything, I was tardy in my assessment of her condition. I don't know. I'm really confused right now. On the one hand, yes, I'm extremely distressed (and annoyed that I let myself get so attached to a bloody hamster); on the other hand, I'm remarkably collected, I feel absolutely no remorse for my actions. I accept full responsibility. And, you know, hate myself for it, but that's par for the course.

Enough nonsense. I should give a eulogy in honor of Mandy (and yes, in case you were wondering, she was named after Mandy Moore... her sister, still active and full of life, is named Britney, after, well, you-know-who; I swear, those were the first pair of female names that popped into my head). Anyway. Here's a poem:

Ode to Mandy

All living creatures do affect
each other's lives, in some respect;
their mere existence goes to show
the wave to which a ripple can grow.

One touch, one word, one deed, one look,
can have more impact than reading a book
in teaching someone the way to be,
to act, to feel, to sense, to see.

Animals are nature's way of directing
us to find the meaning of life. Butterflies flapping
never gave me much cause to transcend,
but hamsters? Oh Mandy, you were a good friend.

We're all doomed.

(This entry is in response to Stephanie J.'s post:The Real Bratz. I felt like my response was far too long to just be a "comment". Probably doesn't help that I just keep adding to this on breaks during my looser W-2 job. Or that I get melodramatic and start saying stuff like, "The end is nigh! Run for your lives!" *shakes head* I'm not very optimistic, am I?)

Stephanie J., you've hit the nail on the head; the key word is "entitled". This generation (Generation Y, Millenial Generation) grew up without experiencing any sort of economic deprivation; in fact, they experienced a burgeoning global market where technology improved the quality of life day by day. This is a group whose parents completely blurred the line between reward and punishment; a group that saw (and thus correlated) an increase in wealth over time. This is a group that was told "you are special" over and over again, such that the mere absence of compliments means the same thing as an insult. (Did you know the phrase "that's nice" really means "I wasn't paying attention because I couldn't care less about the subject" or "I'm trying not to be rude but I can't come up with any adjectives that aren't insulting"?) This generation is idealistic yet cynical, egocentric yet altruistic... thinks that they're capable of doing anything and yet isn't capable of choosing anything to do.

Casey perpetuates the notion that this generation is lazy, self-serving, and just plain clueless. It's very much the reason why I started following his story; I would have liked nothing more than to have seen him "pay back every dirty penny" and, in doing so, showing to the world that this generation, MY generation, isn't a complete loss. (y'know... "win-win"?) Alas, Snowflake just dug a deeper hole... but not literally because actual digging would require work.

There was an excellent article in the WSJ (The Most-Praised Generation Goes To Work, April 20, 2007) that talked about twenty-somethings joining the workforce and how their bosses have to heap endless praise and preface any criticisms with a "you did great on the project, but..." in order to keep up morale. That article pissed me off... mostly because it was right. I mean, we're all having "quarterlife crises", which is ridiculous; why can't we just get over ourselves?? Basically, we're all screwed unless we start holding ourselves accountable for our actions, following-through on commitments, and taking responsibility in shaping the future; otherwise, I'd really rather not be around when everything goes to hell.

If that's not bad enough, from what I've seen so far, the upcoming generation is even WORSE than us. If we reek of "entitlement", then they practically ooze it from their pores. And WE are responsible for guiding them...

Yeah, we're all doomed.

Damn you, Casey

(A/N: utter shite, but hey, I'm pissed.)

He who claims the Christian right
must remember to keep his sight
and wits about, for Haggai says,
"Give careful thought to your ways."

He who whines about his lack
and wants his lenders to cut him slack
has twisted truth within his mind
to portray himself as good and kind.

He who travels far and wide,
leaving a destitute wife behind,
continues to brag about being an ass,
ignoring that Google caches his past.

Oh he'll soon reach the end of his rope
and maybe (finally!) lose all hope
of scamming his way through life, "win-win";
you'll get your "sweet deal", Casey Serin.

Burn Clear

(written March 1st, 2003)

Shifting sands and desert winds
Blow directionless, scattered thin
A breath of dust, and specks of flash
Glitter in glory in brilliance smash.

In liquid chasms of silvery fire
Burn depths of ages gone, retired
To people, young old near far... fetched?
It was ridiculous, you silly wretch.

Simmer in the chilly heart
Steel doors trapped, ne'er to part,
Preservatives still kept fresh
Taint the soul, the mind, the flesh.

Did there ever exist a warmth
That didn't leave 3rd degree burns along arms?
Or a touch, of cool calm clear
That didn't reduce you to shivering tears?

Shine a light of brilliance grayed
Without the danger of lost sight in shades;
Sing a song of wonders foretold
Not of things lost, unclaimed, sold.

If past heralds future, clear and true,
What happens if no past is hidden in you?
No past, no future, a present of pain...
Not much of a gift to the millions slain.