Riches and relatives

(I was originally going to turn this into some sort of "why me?" melodramatic monologue, but I've found something much more worthy of discussion.)

I came across an AskMetafilter thread (My mother-in-law thinks we're cheap!) that I found quite fascinating, not least because of my own family background. Both my parents grew up in extreme poverty but managed to make something of themselves... a whole lot of "something", actually, as they were able to single-handedly bring their own parents and many, many siblings out of the slums. By the time I was born, we were all living rather comfortably. My parents never forgot their roots and so I grew up hearing stories about their pauvre childhood; as a child, I was determined to achieve and accomplish at least as much as them, and it wasn't until quite recently that I realized just how difficult they had it (read: I will never be able to do what they did... and my feelings on that matter are an entire other blog post).

Anyway. It just so happens that in the past few years, my mother has begun to feel rather unappreciated by her mother (and family). Yes, the same people for whom she sacrificed so much, the same people she'd spent her life finding ways to provide for them. Now, my grandmother isn't quite as horrible as the MiL in the thread, but she has come to expect certain, er, amounts of money from my mother at multiple times during the year. The key word is "expect". My mom is ridiculously generous when it comes to family and friends, she will deny herself things that she won't hesitate to give others. (and yes, I find that ridiculous, and yes, I do the same thing, so I probably shouldn't talk, but whatever.) So it makes my mom very upset when her mother (and other family members) literally dismisses her gift, deeming it unsatisfactory.

To bring this back to the AskMetafilter thread, I found myself in sympathy with the OP. How do you deal with relatives who think (accurately or not) that you are rich and that they are deserving?

I was pretty appalled by some of the responses. Show the MiL their budget? That would only work if the MiL understood finances, and she obviously doesn't understand anything about budgeting if she expects a $300 coat. Cut off relations with the MiL? Hullo people, this isn't just family we're talking about, it's a mother-daughter relationship, you don't just end it like scraping a wad of used gum off the bottom of your shoe. Give the MiL an allowance? Give her what she wants? Both these replies indicate that the OP is required to provide for the MiL, but unless that's a new stipulation in the contract between parent-child, it is utter crap. Take control of MiL's finances? Good idea, but it doesn't solve the original problem.

So what is the original problem? A lot of posters tried to explain her behavior (some tried to excuse it as acceptable, but quite really now, no, it's not acceptable, even if you don't point it out to her). I'm sure some of those posters hit the bulls-eye on why she felt the way she did, but quite frankly, who cares? The crux of the issue is that she expects you to do something, and you can't do it. The mother-daughter relationship makes it one of those "parent giving unreasonable demands to child" things. Seriously, that's all there is to it. This whole thing being about money just makes it a quantifiable issue as opposed to a psychological mindfuck issue.

So how do you "fix" the problem? How to deal? Obviously, either you change the parent, or you change the child. That is, either the parent has to stop demanding, or the child has to stop feeling like it is her responsibility to provide. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

When I consoled my mom, I pretty much told her the same thing. "You can't change her, not directly. Nor can you expect her to change, I mean, hello, she's old!" (and no, that probably didn't make her feel any better) "No, don't give her what she wants. You know in your heart of hearts that you've done all that you can, and anything additional that you do is because you want to, not because you have to, and you know it." (maybe that helped a bit, I don't know) "Don't confront her, it's not worth the aggravation." (read: get a third party ie. me to do the subtle stuff) "Be content with what you have done, which is an awful lot, and above and beyond any call of duty... because in her heart of hearts, she knows this too."

Did my grandmother eventually see the light? 8-ball says: Ask again later. I'd like to think that my grandmother kinda knows what's up, but I get the feeling that my mom's no longer the focus of her attentions, I am. Yeah, my grandmother thinks I'm rich... and yeah, I think I am too, so what? I also absolutely refuse to spend any money that I don't think is absolutely necessary... and no, I don't think food is a necessity. Or if it is, McD's has that dollar menu, I'm young, I can handle that kinda crap for another decade or so. My grandmother sees that, and then she sees me tripping all over myself to take her shopping and paying for her at restaurants and looking all over the place for the best gifts for my cousins (not quite regardless of cost, but when you know that I try not to spend more than $8.50 on myself if I go out to dinner by my lonesome... if I actual deem dinner to be necessary, which is about once every two days... you get the idea) then maybe, hopefully, she knows how much I care. (I probably help drive the point home when I moan and groan over every gift and how that's the only reason I'm keeping this job... which just happens to be the truth, but they don't need to know that.)