Alas, poor Yorick!

You are deemed guilty of letting
Truth to be stretched like a season
Of soaps, as though the world turns
Around you. Must life have reason?
There is no rhythm to neither
Your deceit nor your cowardly tears.
And yet, is it a lie? Or perhaps
It's the truth hidden beneath fear.
For your words are threadbare and
Tolerance wanes and there is nothing
To give voice, to breathe out a cry
For... something. Anything.

Nausea

I feel ill. And possibly suicidal. But hey, Bono says:

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass.

-- U2, "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of"

Hiding

Something my mother said brought me another step closer to understanding why I fell apart then. Why I'm falling apart now. I'm most certain that wasn't her intent. She told me to stop being a turtle. That's the literal translation. Stop being a head-ducking turtle. The idiom, however, translates better as "Quit being a coward. Don't be a lily-livered fraidy cat. Face your problems."

It all sounds so simple. So straightforward. So easy.

It explains so much. Yeah, I'm a coward. I never thought there'd be a day when I willingly admitted to it, except I did. It's always so hard to convey what I'm afraid of, and what I'm feeling, and words never speak as loud as actions. Or rather, saying out loud that I'm afraid of rejection and I feel despair and then not doing anything about it... it's hard to get across the complexity of everything.

So it's easier to hide. In books, in TV shows, in fanfiction... even in news. Anywhere but here. Anywhere that I can be someone who isn't me. Anywhere that I can be someone who has a purpose.

//----------------------------

I'm coming back to this post 10 hours later. Not that it really matters. Life, I mean. Purpose or not, what's there to do but live it? And so what if I'm tired? I'll take a break. It doesn't matter that I have a great job, or any of that. If it's wearing me out, then maybe it's not right for me. I've tried so hard to make it work, but if it doesn't fit, then no amount of denial is going to change the outcome.

Maybe I'll make it. Maybe I won't. Maybe this step is a piece of some larger destiny that will stoke my hero complex. Or maybe... maybe it's just life.

Confusion

Not two hours ago, I was all set to post a nice miserable entry about my ongoing battle with myself, and how I'm losing.

Not thirty minutes ago, I was ready to put up a heartwarming entry on finding hope in the darkest of places, and the resilience of human nature, and not being a quitter.

Well, I'm not nearly as emo as I was two hours ago. Neither am I as hopeful as I was half an hour ago. I'm somewhere in between, and I hope that this is a baseline mood that can be maintained for the next month. If it gets worse than this, all the pressure will cause me to crack like a raw egg. Running yolks will ensue.

I'm trying to make light of the situation, but really, honestly, I'm tired.

Yet do I fear thy nature

Buzz Saw's comment on Akubi's post (Seal Hunt Starts in Less than 3 Days) was:
I don't see how anyone could kill such a cute, defenseless, and pitiful looking animal. Such sad eyes.

This affected me deeply. In a bad way. Because I find it quite easy to believe that a human being could kill, would kill "such a cute, defenseless, and pitiful looking animal". Without remorse, even. Some might see it as a job. Some might feel a dark thrill.

It's a sickening thought. Extremely disturbing. And my greatest fear.

This is all not good, very bad, absolutely horrible timing.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold

I'm so tired. And it hurts. I think I'm entering another "listless" phase. What horrible timing.

I'm more than a bit irked because I didn't get nearly as much accomplished as I would've liked over the weekend. However, I did manage to complete my art project.

One task checked off, nine hundred and ninety-nine to go.

Script Frenzy

I have decided to join the frenzy: Script Frenzy, that is.

Who? Me
What? 100 pages of script.
When? April 1 - April 30
Where? wherever I can write
Why? because I have this great plot that I had ready for last year's Script Frenzy, but I never got around to writing it out
How? uh... somehow.

What this means for me is that, before 4/1, I need to wrap up my other side projects, and maybe even get ahead in work (hah! as if! at least I've managed to catch up on work...). Between now and 4/1, I have training, possibly relatives visiting next weekend, and me going on vacation for a week. So I really need to wrap up my art project quickly (it's not technically "due" until July, but I don't want to lose momentum) and keep my focus during work. I managed to get quite a bit done on my art project today, so if I can keep that pace tomorrow, I should be able to wrap it up next weekend; I've only been working on it during weekends because I like doing it in natural light (artificial light creates this nasty glare that makes it hard to work in).

I'm excited! I think the story I have in mind is going to be good. I'm a little worried because I can only envision the beginning and end scenes very clearly, and I'm not entirely certain what's going to happen in the middle. I don't really want to make it super-complex, especially since this is my first screenplay, but I guess I will be throwing in a few more secondary characters than I currently anticipate. They have been forming in the back of my mind while I concentrate on my other tasks. How useful.